I know that is a bold statement, so I hope you will give me the opportunity to explain what I mean.
Last week, I was working with a new client and she was describing her situation to me and I saw a lot of patterns and similarities to my own situation with my former boss. As we probed further she realized that the core of her conflict with her coworkers and boss, was actually rooted within herself.
It was a HUGE A-HA moment, for sure.
Much like me (and probably you), this woman was conditioned to feel valuable when people told her she was valuable, and unfortunately, that wasn’t happening for her at work--if anything it was the opposite, leaving her feeling very insecure.
Over time a cycle had developed, that looked something like this:
- Feeling insecure with the people I work with which LEADS TO
- Putting my guard up which LEADS TO
- People not wanting to work with me which LEADS TO
- Feeling insecure with the people I work with...
And on and on and on it went. (Though your negative cycle probably looks different.)
When I asked her whose responsibility her feeling of SECURITY was, she knew that the answer was her.
Unfortunately, for many of us, we have been habituated or conditioned to feel good about ourselves only when other people compliment us and tell us how amazing we are. Our worth is 100% in the hands of another person. When we leave our worth in the hands of other people, we are constantly chasing something that we may or may not get. If we don’t get it, our defense mechanisms kick in causing us to act in a way that is out of alignment with our values and character, and then people are thinking to themselves, “Who the hell is this person? I don’t want to be around them.”
Now that my new client sees the cycle, she has a better chance of being able to break it, and it all STARTS WITH HER. Yes, she has a conflict outside of her, and it is an amplification of a conflict that she has inside of her.
Here is my question for you:
How can you find the root cause of your conflict, so that you can stop the negative cycle?