I hate those moments when someone asks me to do something and my people pleasing side thinks, “You don’t want to look bad. You can make time, go ahead and say yes”, but my true self is saying, “No way, you have enough on your plate already. Don’t add more!!!”
Ever have those moments? You say yes, and then later think, “Why the hell did I do that?” Perhaps you also drive the people around you crazy because you complain about it all the way up to the event and even afterwards.
So, how do we say no with ease? How do we stand up for ourselves and let others down easily?
A couple of weeks ago I was working with one of my clients on the phone and we were discussing the commitments that she had made at our previous session. She was explaining that she hadn’t completed one of her goals because something had come up at work that she needed to solve. (FYI, she has a new role at work, and isn’t supposed to be solving all these problems, but empowering her team to do it instead.)
I asked, “What do you get out of jumping in and solving the problems for them?”
Her response was spot on: “Proving my worth. Someone needs me.”
Superwoman to the rescue!
How many of you like to be the superhero (just without the cape, I hope)?
Wouldn’t life be grand if we never had conflict? No ISIS to deal with. No worrying about Iran or the Palestine/Israel conflict. And that's just the big stuff.
What about the conflicts in your sphere? Or in your home? Or, even within yourself?
Through my experiences and learning, I have come to realize that most conflicts, both external and internal, arise when our universal needs are not being met.
If you talk to most psychologists, psychotherapists, or life coaches, they will probably be able to tell you about universal needs. They might not call them universal needs, but that is what I call them. There are a huge array of universal needs, but when I learned them they were divided into 7 categories.
Want to know what they are and what they have to do with conflict?
Vince Lombardi once said, “Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win.” I have to disagree.
When I was younger, I was often told not to quit, not to give up, to stay the course, to persevere, etc. I was told that I if I was strong I would win, or accomplish something great, or get an A, or whatever.
But the fact of the matter is that I have quit. Many times in fact.
I have quit sports.
I have quit relationships.
I have quit jobs (sometimes at inopportune times).
I have quit cities.
In fact, I have gotten pretty good at quitting.